Shakespeare once said, "Journeys end in lovers` meeting."

I`ve been debating with myself, questioning the real reason as to why I do not believe in love which is such a beautiful thing to others. Maybe because of my past experiences, not with love between two souls, but chance encounters with love in any kind.

To others, it would be easy to just blurt out "I love you" to someone special. But to me, it takes forever. As long as I do not feel it, I would not say it. No matter how many times you say it to me, no matter if you`re just a friend. It doesn`t matter a bit to me because saying "I love you" to someone, even if that person is just a friend, is like forging a special kind of bond. Because you don`t say you love someone and just walk away.

I have walls around my heart, not bridges. The mere thought of having someone close to me is already scary enough. Because, what if they have gotten to know the real me and do not like what they get? After breaking down all those walls, what if they just leave like everyone else did? People say that you`ll get so excited about a wrapped present but when you open it and do not like what you get, you say thank you all the same. What happens to the present then? Being chucked aside because, it wasn`t what the receiver had wanted in the first place?

I honestly do not like pushing people away, though, some may think it is a part-time hobby of mine. But what if they all leave? Sure, they say that they`ll always be there. But in the end, they don`t. I know well enough to know how that cuts a person up. Especially, when your own bestfriend tells you that and in the end, left when I hit rock bottom. I know enough to know what it is like to cry at night because you let that person so close to your heart and they left just like that. I`m not saying that everyone does that, but, that`s my perception of things. I cannot change my perception of this. It`s like asking a already grown elephant chained to a tree to escape, when since young, they have already been brainwashed that the tree is stronger than them. You cannot fix an already broken heart, because no matter how much glue you use to stick it back together, it`s damaged at it`s best.

To be frank, I`m scared. Scared of saying goodbye and hello. I know that people come and go but, it`s tiring. "Sometimes, life feels like chapters of goodbye." How do I know for sure that the next person that comes by would not leave? I know we should all take a leap of faith, but, I`ve had enough of leaping. If it isn`t bad enough that God took away my bestfriend, I do not need to have another reason to be angry with God if the next person that comes along is the one that touches my heart and they would leave too. If you think that I won`t be able to get through obstacles in life because of this, well, you`re wrong. It took me alot to finally realise that my bestfriend ain`t coming back, that he pretends I don`t exist anymore. Just like that. If those special bonds created could lead to something like that, why even bother in the first place?

I know that everyone needs that someone. The someone who would be the one you hold on to when that little shred of faith fades away. Maybe, I`ll find someone that I can actually attempt to make a real connection with, someone I could finally feel something real with. Someone that I trust when they say that things would be okay. Maybe.. When God feels that He should open up my heart and let me heal, for once.