I should probably be asleep right now. But I`ve been going to bed at the most ungodly hours. So, I guess this is the time for me to update my blog. Ha. The week have been going on quite good, I must say. I`ve been spending my time with my two favourite girls and of course, the usual boys. Eating, going to places and just chilling around, life seems to be so laid-back. Of course, there are those moments whereby I feel emotional. As quoted by Zai, "I think I`ve been hit by the growing up blues." I guess, there`s still some part of me that wants to hold on to the past and never let go. But I know, there`s no such thing. I even wish that sometimes I could start over, like really all over again. But we all know that it ain`t gonna happen. Life`s a bitch and I guess, that`s how we learn; through love, loss, laughter, tears and heartaches. I guess in a way, all of us are damaged, trying to stitch ourselves back together. Okay, I should probably stop thinking too much.

So, my weekend was fairly good. We left Singapore for KL at 9pm and reached at around 2am. It was alllll good. 19 people in granny`s small semi-detached. Ha, sharing two toilets was such a torture `cause everyone procrastinates. Haha. But we reached the wedding. Freaking cool. The bride and groom went to their own wedding on a freaking helicopter! Damn amazing alrightttt! Limo is now so passe. Ha. We were the special ones that were being served. Haha, we ended up leaving the place for Starbucks and aircon since we weren`t allowed to sit inside due to the many many guests. Walked around with all the cousins and headed back to Cheras. Had steamboat for dinner, courtesy of Abg Dzul. $500 for 19 people with very big appetite. HAHA. Then today, we had lunch at Tok Tam`s place as a post-wedding lunch for the family members. Catered food w roast lamb, mashed potato and salad. Plus malay fare. Hee. :D I love going to KL, though, it makes me fatter. Hahah. We had A&W toooo. Woo, I`m one happy kid.

We hold on to a hope, to the hope that tomorrow would be a better day. That all of these are just the rain before the sunshine and rainbow. Maybe after a really long time, I`ve lost sight on what is and isn`t. I`ve lost sight on my goals and aspirations. Maybe, I am a loser in denial. Unable to decipher what is real and unreal, to figure out even the simplest of gestures and to find a witty comeback. I`m indeed a lost cause. I pity my friends most of the time. They worry about me not schooling and still having the cheek to complain about how tough life is when I`m not even studying. I empathised with them because I wouldn`t wanna be friends with me if I were them. Part of me secretly believes that they`re there because they`ve been there for quite a while and succumb to the fact that I am one whiny bitch who is hopeless and in fact, very stupid. Maybe I have hit rock bottom, maybe I do have a problem. I guess I`m just living in denial. I guess I`ve been trying to build my life on the grounds that there`s nothing wrong with me when in actual fact, I am a mess and have always been one. I do not know how many times I fell and tried so hard to get back up. In one of Paulo Coelho books, he writes "the secret in life, though, is to fall seven times and get up eight times." I think I fell and tried to get up a little way over eight times. Maybe what sissy said was true. Maybe I do have a problem, maybe I do act like as if the world revolves around me. One thing is for sure that she`s damn right about, I am a loser. I should have seen this coming, that my life is just a plain joke. I should have just persisted. If I hadn`t been so opinionated and stubborn, it wouldn`t be like this. I wouldn`t feel like such a loser among my friends. I wouldn`t feel ashamed when I go for family gatherings. I wouldn`t feel the need to argue to everyone that just because I`m not schooling, doesn`t make me stupid. I wouldn`t have this shitty feeling. I wouldn`t be bothering Nat with my problems when she has her own. I wouldn`t be typing out this whole shit.

Maybe it`s true. I have hit rock bottom.

xo dhai

Work was okay. Did closing with Yan B. We did our own things, eventually. I did outside closing while blasting away music while she did inside and talking on the phone. We took our own sweet time and did everything right, I hope. Ha. But I missed out the lepak session at stage w ze homeboys. I`ve missed em and their nonsense. Sigh, maybe next time. I haven`t had time for anyone else besides my partners, nat and the podium boys. Maybe I should start focusing on my life instead of working too much huh. Anyway, I applied for normal polys. Wish me luck aye! If this fails, I am gonna go to Shatec, no questions asked. Or maybe Kaplan la.

It`s not like I don`t want to stay at home. It`s just that I can`t bring myself to sit at home and let all the unnecessary emotions get the better of me. I`ll think too much when I am at home. Like now, for an example. It gets harder when I have people breathing down my neck when they don`t even know any shit that they`re talking about. Seriously, don`t talk to me like as though I`m the one with the problem. You seriously don`t know any single thing and I don`t need you to exercise your freedom of speech right when I`m in the God-forsaken room. You make it sound as though you`re so perfect. Like as though, I`m super flawed. Yes, I know I am flawed; everyone is. It`s just that hearing you say those words, it`s the same as what I said two years ago. When you were doing God-knows-what and only calling once every two-three days, I was stuck here listening to every little crap that you did. So, if I`m not wrong, this is called karma. Sure, you had it worst. But you have no fucking idea how the three years was like. I don`t hate you, in fact, I love you. But I just can`t deal with all these right now. You asked me to grow up faster and pick myself up. Let me ask you this, how the hell am I suppose to pick myself up when the moment I am going to, you guys push me back down. You guys made me hit rock bottom. Okay, not really fully you guys, but, yeah. I am still trying, but, this isn`t working out. I am almost giving up. Almost.

Hello world. You have no idea how hard I'm trying to change but with each passing day, it gets harder. I know I shouldn't give any reason or explainations because they're my own mistakes. My own faults and failures that I'm trying to bury. Sissy told me to get up and grow up. She asked me how long more do I need to give myself. I'm already hitting rock bottom. That sucks even worst. I don't know world. I think I'm losing myself and losing touch in reality. Sigh.