It finally dawned on me that I am not strong enough. That all I`ve been doing is lying to myself, telling myself that I`m okay when I`m really not. It struck me to know how fragile I really was. That a few things could just break me apart, like candy canes. I guess, I`ve been living in denial for so long that I forced myself to believe that a part of it is real and that everything else doesn`t really matter.
How do I do this? How does one go about doing this?
Doesn`t it scare them? Doesn`t it scare all of us that life is this huge scary ride and we`re all in it? I mean, I know life is supposed to be about obstacles and shits like that, but, what`s the real plan behind all of the obstacles given? If we fail, what happens then? Is God going to give us a second chance or do we get some kind of second placing in life like in sports?
How does one go about confiding their feelings, sharing their secrets? Wouldn`t that require trust? What if someone has trust issues? Are they doomed to have all their feelings be bottled up? What happens to them? What if they go crazy because of their pent-up emotions? Is that what is going to happen to me? Because I suck big time in confiding, I suck big time in expressing how I feel. I suck big time with trust and the whole letting-people-close-to-my-heart thing. I suck big time at all of these.
I am suppose to be the strong one, the doesn`t give a fuck one and the expert concealer kind. What led to all of these? I am weak, I am lost and I feel like crying most of my goddamn time. What is wrong with me?
It`s scaring me to know I can switch off my emotions just like that. It`s scaring me to know that I can overanalyse, too concerned and too caring but at the same time, I can just numb it and don`t give a damn about it. It`s scaring me to know that somehow along the way, I`ve lost myself and I don`t think I`m ever going to come back. It`s scaring me to know all that. To know that I can pretend to be someone I`m not when I`m around my friends but when I`m alone, I`m just this insecure, moody and too caring girl. It`s like I`m role-playing and I don`t even know it. How did it came down to all of that?
Well, my childhood sucks. In my point of view. But to others, that would be the best childhood ever I guess? Truth is, I am pampered. I am so spoilt that I do not even deny that. But, one thing is that I guess I don`t get the kind of attention that my other siblings get. Y`know, the whole love thingy from my parents. I get mostly material stuffs, in exchange for good results and squeaky clean record. So, I thought that my parents must have really love me because they`re buying all these nice things for me. But I guess I got it wrong because what I really wanted was the kind of gifts they gave to my other siblings. Like fetching them from camps in primary school. I went back on my own from my first ever camp in primary school. They didn`t even bother coming for things that other parents did. So, I thought that getting into trouble would get their attention and it worked. So I was the black sheep in the family. I was the one who gets into trouble, always so demanding and spoilt. Then when I was in secondary school, it was hard for me. Especially with my sister leaving me for four years. She was the one person who ever stopped my mom from beating me. When she left, everything came spiralling down. My parents vented their anger on me because of the overwhelming financial difficulties. Then when my sister called, she`d scold me because all she hears about when she calls is my mom complaining to my sister about me. I don`t have a proper family, I have a dysfunctional one. That`s when I went for counselling. That`s when most of my friends secluded me because I cut myself and they thought I wanted attention. They hated me for almost a year. They`re the same friends that you see me with now. The only reason I did what I did was not because of attention. But because I kept blaming myself for things that went wrong. Every single thing that went wrong, be it with family, friends or studies, I`d blame myself. I cut myself because I wanted to feel something real, something that hurts more than my heart. Then when I was in secondary four, I stopped counselling. But when my grandma passed away, I was in that downward spiral again. I didn`t manage to see her on time. I was still slacking in school when I knew she was damn sick. I only rushed when my sister called me to say that she was already on her deathbed. I didn`t manage to see my grandma on time and I blame myself for that every single day. I was getting closer to her y`know. But God, as I realised, loves to take the people that matters the most to me just as I was about to open up my heart to them.
I don`t know if you understand. But these are the reasons why I don`t let people get close to me. The reasons why I find it hard to trust people, to confide in them.
I don`t know why I`m telling you all these. I just feel that you should know.
