I don`t have any random photos to put up here. 

Hahahah, the photos from today are still with Mim. 

Ohyeah, I haven`t uploaded Naz`s engagement to my Macbook `cause the camera is currently not with me. Bummerrr. 

So, anyway today I spent half of the day at home folding clothes. HAHAHA. 

Then Luk texted me and asked to come down to Starbucks to hang out with the rest. 

There was Aliman, Black, Dee, Flor, Luk and Shafiq.

Slacked for a while then had dinner at KFC and Mim came along.

We walked around TM `cause and finally ended up at the arcade where we played silly games.

And the air hockey thing where the stupid puck hit my wrist. -.- 

Then they played the dance thingy. Hilarioussss.

And also the stupid game whereby we are supposed to try and get the toy. 

Hahaha! 

Shall not mentioned what happened after when I met up with someone.

It was disastrous. -.- 

Damn, I wished you`d just go away. 

I know its your territory but what the fuck. 

I can`t wait for tomorrow though I won`t be playing.

Heh. I`ll be at the sidelines, snapping away.

(: 

I`ll uploadddd soon.

Most private posts shall be up on my LJ. 

So add me if you want to know `cause its friends only. 

Firstly, Congrats to Naz and Kak Su for the engagement. 

(: 

I can`t wait to get back to studying. 

I am trying my best to think positive.

And Nuraisha`s words are really sinking in. 

Time for soul-searching. 

I swear I don`t know what is happening to me.

Why the hell am I shutting everyone out? 

What the hell is wrong with me?

I need a break, from everything and everyone. 

Dear God, 

I know some things are entirely beyond our control.

To put it bluntly, shit happens most of the time. 

I thought that pretending that it never existed would make it go away.

But obviously, I am gravely mistaken. 

I don`t know how to express my feelings so I thought that maybe bottling everything up would be good. 

Maybe that is why I am so vulnerable deep down. 

I don`t know myself anymore.

I don`t recognise the person looking right back at me in the mirror. 

I don`t know the person typing this things down, either. 

I feel like I`m losing myself nowadays. 

I don`t know what I want or where do I want to go. 

I feel so pretentious these days. 

That I`m putting on a mask to hide behind whenever I`m out with my friends.

Maybe that is my fault, 

for not being able to express everything that I`m feeling. 

I am being someone I never thought I`d become.

Someone who is too emotionally wounded and too guarded to share things, even with her closest mates. 

My thoughts are all over the place. 

I`ve been having sleepless nights, waking up wee hours in the morning. 

God, please show me what life is all about.

`Cause for some reason, I feel so lonely despite the loud and big bunch of friends who are wonderful. 

I miss grandma and *inserts name here* 

I had great fun yesterday.

Yep, you guessed it; Swimming and Starbucks. 

Went swimming with Natasha and Luk. The boys didn`t want us to follow them on their adventure or rather, their Gays` Night Out.

So, we girls chilled at Starbucks after walking around aimlessly at TM and CS.

Snapped many many photos with Mim`s camera.

And also, planned for other outings which includes Pulau Ubin since Lukman learnt how to cycle. Hahaha. 

We`re going to go along with plan number One today! :D

Hee, can`t wait!

Okay, I`ve got to fold the clothes before I go! 

Hahahah, wait up for my next post alright. 

:D

I don`t feel happier.

Despite the awesome movie and dopest companions, Happy pills.

It was pretty short-lived. 

Now its back to square one.

Maybe I hide things better than everyone else. 

Too good, I reckon.

"Sometimes, life just seems like chapters of goodbyes"

We hold on too something too tightly.

That when its gone, it hurts us too much that we don`t even know how to deal with the pain.

Sometimes, 

I feel like its better to come home to an empty house.

Rather than a quiet one even though there`s six people under one roof. 

Though food is always ready, 

it doesn`t feel much like home. 

Sometimes, 

Life is just so freaking happy that I`d run around and be hyperactive. 

Other times,

Life is just pulling me further down that I`d feel like breaking down.

But, I`d still run around and be hyperactive.

Why?

`Cause nobody likes a killjoy. 

And definitely, no sympathising looks from anyone. 

These tiniest bits is just eating me up alive.

And I have no clue on what to do. 

I want to run and run to forget everything.

But, it doesn`t work that way. 

Sadly. 

I`ve been doing alot of thinking.

And that worries me. 

Too much thinking isn`t good for me. 

Some quotes to sum up my crappy feeling.

Cause I can`t seem to type it all down. 

I feel sad. 

I feel unhappy.

I feel confused.

I feel disappointed.

I feel heartbroken.

I feel empty. 

You were my bestfriend. 

Yet, you act like a stranger now. 

You ignored all my calls and messages. 

You broke my heart harder than anyone could.

I swear that right now, I`m broken beyond repair. 

I`ve never shed so much tears in just one night. 

I don`t look forward to anything at all. 

):

I don`t feel happy at all.
I don`t feel psyched for tomorrow as well.
I hope I`ll get to see you tomorrow.

I miss these people in the above (ugly) collages.

Yes, I got bored with absolutely nothing to do. 

I didn`t manage to get some pictures of the others too. 

Like Syaza, Felina, Dyan, Khai, Roi, Fikri and some othersss. 

But fret not, yall are always in my heart. (:

And you, Abdul Rauf. 

I miss you so much, bestfriend. 

I`ve so many things to tell you. Like really, it`d take a whole week of non-stop talking just to fill you in on my life. 

I miss telling you stuffs and then hearing you saying "Ah, fuck them dhai. Its your life"

Only God knows how much I`ve missed you.

But you`re not here anymore. 

I guess I should try to put that in my mind. 

You`ll always be my stupid and irritating bestfriend who cannot pronounce the word Saudara. 

The one who eats non-stop and never get fat.

The one who is jealous of my up-to-date handphone.

The one who gives me 1001 excuses why I shouldn`t continue with NYP that time.

The one who always share with me everything, though sometimes he wished he hadn`t. 

The one who scolds me for doing stupid things yet he did it himself.

The one who never fail to motivate me and encourage me.

The one who used to give me his fullest support.

You don`t know how much I need you.

As much as I hate you, I can`t.

Cause deep down inside, you`re one very irreplaceable bestfriend. 

Sigh. 

Dhai, stop being so messed up. 

): 

Like, honestly. 

I really need my cousin, Hakim right now. 

): I`m sooooo sad. 

PFFSST. piss off. 

Its amazing how we can find a friend so easily,
but scary that we can lose them just as quick.

I don`t know.
It took a huge toll and totally shattered me.
I know I`m not supposed to let things affect me.
Or let words get the better of me.
But if your own flesh&blood said it, then maybe it has to be true.
It seems like I`m forever in a mess.
Yes, A is always right.
I always put myself through shit, one after another.


Tired, drained but still contented a little.
Nothing could ever top Caramel Macchiato and great company at Starbucks.

I just hurt my left wrist again. 

And no, I didn`t cut myself. 

I sprained it and now, I feel like robocop. -.-! 

Greaaaaaaat. 

I feel like a downright bitch by saying those things. 

But you wouldn`t care.

You just don`t and I don`t want to be the idiot who has to fuss over you from time to time. 

I`m honestly tired.

I so can`t wait for the Caramel Macchiato later on. 

A big "What the fuck" to you.

What the hell do you really want from me? 

Do you want me to continue with my studies or not?

You`re being a real bitch, yknow.

You don`t show any sign of interest in my life at all.

All you seem to care is how I`m going to fail, one way or another.

Can`t you have a least bit of faith in me? 

Even if I took the pain of finding another that is suitable and pleases you, 

you`d still think I`d fail.

You`re fucking using psychology warfare on me.

By saying things like "If you really want, I`ll sacrifice all my money. I don`t have to go to the doctor or any appointment."

How sarcastic can you get?

If you`re disappointed then what about me?

You have NEVER showed interest in what I`m doing. 

All you care about is the money I spent.

When I quitted school, I used my own money alright.

Those money that I borrowed, I paid back.

I`ve been paying for my own cellphone bills ever since I started working at Escape. 

You didn`t even pay for anything.

Sure, I got a new phone and a camera.

But so? I paid half for it.

Sure, You got me a Tiffany and Co Bracelet.

But I didn`t begged for it, you wanted to get it for me cause your other brilliant children got something too. 

How can I get not fucking stressed when you`re breathing down my neck? 

Telling me that I won`t do well and I`m just following the crowd.

I know my own self. 

I`ve quitted school before and I`m not going to do it again.

Sure, its embarrassing telling people that I`m not schooling anymore.

But who fucking cares?

Its not as if I`m stupid for quitting.

Its not as if I`m mentally retarded and have a knowledge capacity of a teaspoon by being school-less. 

One way or another, 

I can`t please you.

Cause in your mind right now is how I am going to fail and embarrass you. 

Just great Mom, 

Thank you so much for giving me tonnes of support. 

Wait, no.

You just destroyed my self-esteem and confidence. 

You just shattered my hopes and faith.

Do not disturb.

I am pissed and bitchy right now. 

I just realised that I am such a mess.
Turning to such unhealthy things just to relieve the emotional pain away.
Like binge on unhealthy stuffs and those cancer sticks.
It doesn`t help one bit.
But I just can`t seem to stop myself.

I got to get a grip,
before I lose myself entirely.

I feel like being alone for a lil while.
But, I still need my starbucks fix every wednesday.
):