I haven`t been updating my blog in a while, I know.
Things have been pretty hectic. Juggling between school, work, social circles and personal responsibilities.
Exams are coming soon and I`ve yet to get started on my first paper. Nice.
My body clock is screwed. It`s fifteen minutes to four and I`m still wide awake. I hate having a screwed body clock because I tend to think so much when it`s the wee hours of the morning. I`d only be sleeping once dawn breaks, I reckon.
I`m currently thinking of my future and past, simultaneously. What I should do once I get my MDIS diploma and stuffs like that. It`s been two weeks since he left and I should probably get it in my brain that he ain`t coming back. He`s in a better place and I should pray to God for that. Just that I have many regrets bottled in my heart that I didn`t get the chance to express. But he left me, y`know. He left all of us, so, why does it feel like I`m the one who is feeling so hurt and lost? I know my stubborn self got way out of hand but I felt hurt. I felt abandoned. It`s not fair that whenever I get too close to someone, they`d leave. Did I push them away? Was it my fault that they all left, not just him? Was it my fault that my late grandma left only when I was getting close to her? Is it my fault that everyone who is close to me is leaving me, one by one? I`m tired of bidding goodbye. I`m tired of having to open up my heart to someone new every single time and old one leaves. I know people come and go, but, it`s a frequent thing on my part. Now, I push people away and I don`t let anyone near my heart because I can`t deal with that sick cycle. I can`t deal with the thought of having to say goodbye to them just as I was about to break the walls that surrounds my heart. And I`m doing all that because the past hurt me so much that if I don`t do that, I`d fall into another uglier habit.
I`m so lost and confused now. All I feel right now is just the hurt I used to feel before.
These overwhelming emotions that I hide every time I`m outside. I`m trying so hard not to cry on the outside anymore. I seem like I don`t give a fuck about anything or anyone now. Because why, if I do, that would be the breaking point for me. All of this is really spreading me awfully thin.
Goodnight world, xo.
