I feel unusually moodless today.
I ate more than usual, which is weird.
Apparently, I finished everything that I ate.
That is incredibly weird cause I`m known for not being able to finish up my food.
Somehow, I felt unhappy today.
I don`t know why, just unhappy and bitter.
I didn`t scream at anyone,
I just didn`t have the mood to entertain jokes, teases or any other form of communication.
I only talked when necessary.
Except when it was with Nad, Kak yam and those who knows me well enough.
I feel crappy deep inside.
I`m still that loser who is school-less.
I`m still that idiot who doesn`t even know her own malay language.
I`m still that moron who gets teased constantly.
I`m still that freak who still ponders over you.
I`m still that dummy who is too soft-hearted.
I`m sick and tired.
I`m so over everything right now.
I`m trying so so hard to be nonchalant and focus on others things.
Yet, you`re entangled with my thoughts.
I don`t need this, especially right now.
I need to decide, yet I`m still clueless.
I don`t want a history of what I did in secondary three repeat itself.
I don`t want to be emotional or suicidal.
Cause I learnt how unpredictable life can be when one of my schoolmates passed away due to throat cancer.
I`m sick of beating myself up about what has happened between us.
I know I need to find a replacement.
But somehow, its harder now.
I have no idea why.
I`m so so sick of everything.
I just wish I could wake up and things would be normal.
I know there are no shortcuts in life and nothing is ever easy.
God, I just need a break.
from this crazy thing called reality.
I need time away from everyone.
I need to find a school, before it happens.
Its like I`m succumb to loneliness.
I must fight it.
No replacement, no more.
I don`t really need to have my heart broken a third time.
Dhaify xx
